You should enjoy this... |
David Cameron was visiting a Glasgow primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Mr Cameron if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'. So, our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'. A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.' - 'Incorrect,' said Cameron. 'That would be an accident.' A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.' - 'I'm afraid not', explained Cameron, 'that's what we would refer to as a great loss'. The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Cameron searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?' Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and said: 'If a plane carrying you and Mr. Clegg and Mr. Milliband was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens, that would certainly be a tragedy.' 'Fantastic' exclaimed Cameron, 'and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?' 'Well', said Johnny, 'it has to be a tragedy - because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a f-----g accident either!' |
Hospital condition check.... A 75 Year Old Lady rings her local NHS hospital and this conversation follows:
'Hello I'd like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree. She was admitted last week with chest pains and I just want to know if her condition has deteriorated, stabilised or improved?' 'Do you know which ward she is in?' 'Yes, ward P, room 2B' 'I'll just put you through to the nurse station.'.... 'Hello, ward P, how can I help?' 'I would just like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree, I was wondering if her condition had deteriorated, stabilised or improved?' 'I'll just check her notes…… I'm pleased to say that Mrs Tiptree's conditioned has improved. She has regained her appetite, her temperature has steadied and after some routine checks tonight, she should be well enough to go home tomorrow.' 'Oh that's wonderful news, I'm so happy, thank you ever so much!' 'You seem very relieved, are you a close friend or relative?' ' No, I'm Mrs Tiptree in room 2b. Nobody tells you anything in here! ’ |
Glazing over... Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-glazed, energy-efficient kind.
Today I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't paid for them. Helloooo..... just because I'm blondish doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year.... that these windows would pay for themselves in a year. It's been a year so they're paid for, I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot. |
Not funny but wow!
Newly restored down in New Zealand and flown this year - this Mossie is a joy to watch. The clip includes an Avro Anson which is the first aircraft I ever flew in back in 1958 at Northolt, west London when it was already about 30 years old.
HERE |
WHY MEN ARE SELDOM DEPRESSED
Men are just happier people - what do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another Petrol station lavvie because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress £2500. Morning suit rental £125. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is £4.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original colour. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes - one colour for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier. |
You'll love this....
NICKNAMES
· If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call
each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. · If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman. EATING OUT · When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £38.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. · When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators. MONEY · A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs. · A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale. BATHROOMS · A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel. · The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items. ARGUMENTS · A woman has the last word in any argument. · Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. FUTURE · A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. · A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. MARRIAGE · A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. · A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does. DRESSING UP · A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. · A man will dress up for weddings and funerals. NATURAL · Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. · Women somehow deteriorate during the night. OFFSPRING · Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. · A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing! SO, send this to the women who have a sense of humour and can handle it .... and to the men who will enjoy reading it. |